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Mar. 23rd, 2010

Thought.

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. Some wear it under their pant leg strapped to their boot. It seems as though I wear mine stamped, no, ENGRAVED on my forehead. And it friggin' hurts.

Mar. 15th, 2010

Thought.


The only light
is coming through
the windows
from the streets
the lamps glow orange
it's dark in here
and the leather feels cool
the tv is whispering
he is laughing
the other is sleeping
i am sitting
i am shivering
it is cold
i shake
although i'm doing fine
i'm trying not to think
the future scares me
i wonder
what will be
what will i turn out to be
i feel relief
i let it all come out
i told him
almost everything
on my mind
i screamed
i cried
he yelled
but it's okay
i worry
as to whether
or not
i am okay
i'm starting to see
blue light
radiating from
the television
and through the glass
doors
sleepiness shall overcome me
and i will drift
off
into
another
world
where everything
is what
it is
and nothing
is questionable
motives are known
feelings are obvious
and everything is going to be
alright.


Mar. 3rd, 2010

Blech.

Well, obviously I didn't kill myself the other night. Coincidentally, a friend of mine decided to check on her friends' live journals that night nd read mine. She im'd me and told me that she cares and that I should stick around. It was nice. At that moment, it was the best thing that someone could do for me.
I also talked to him the next day. And that felt good too. To tell him about what's going on in my head. He's dealing with his own shit right now, something completely different, but that's okay.
 Things aren't wonderful but they're looking up a little bit.

Mar. 1st, 2010

Spiraling Out of Control. I am shaking. I am shivering.

The manic depression has been getting very very bad. Combined with tests in school and periods and just life in general; I feel absolutely horrible. I keep re-reading all my old suicide plans. I don't want to be around any more. It hasn't been this bad in a long time. It's as though the anestethic has worn off. My anestethic was saying to myself that everything sucks, shit's not going to change. I can't do anything about it. So why worry? But that's all gone now.
 Scott and Michelle kiss in front of me. They don't care. It's in my face. I want to scream. In fact, I already have. Not at them, of course. But I lost my voice this weekend from all the screaming and crying that I do. 
  My best friend doesn't seem to care much because he's off in his own world. He gives me sarcastic responses and I just want to tell him everything but I feel that I can't. He wonders why I get really quiet or seem to distance myself. Well, I don't want him to see the mood swings. I don't want to be angry with him. I love him. So much. But unfortunately I have to fight with myself. With my brain. 
  My other best friend moved away from me. To another state. I never see her and she doesn't call me back. 
  I'm too tired to fight this way. I'm too tired of holding back. I'm tired of telling people that I'm fine. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of my mother taking care of her own addiction to having things be as clean as they possibly can because it has torn my life apart. She threw my father out because he wouldn't be fucking nice to her about her sickness. She threw away her business because she couldn't put time aside to take care of that because instead she was on the fucking floor wiping it with clorox. She is dying. And she won't sacrifice clean for her health. She's practically killing my Grandmother because she can't put time aside from sleeping and cleaning and being a doctor to pay her own bills. She's going to lose me eventually. Whether she ends up killing herself because she lacks common sense or whether I try suicide again and possibly succeed. I haven't been so serious about it since I was in 8th grade. I'm tired of fighting. I love my mother and my father. I love my friends. But I feel like I will explode. I don't go a day without crying. I do not go a day without wishing. It seems everything and everyone important to me. Everyone that I love. They don't understand. They never will understand what it's like for your own brain to rebel against you. For your own mind to tell you tat you have no purpose, nor do you have control.
I don't want anyone's pity. None at all. I don't want attention. I don't want anyone to see me in this kind of state.


I just want to be happy.

Jan. 24th, 2010

I Wish I Looked The Way I Feel

Haven't updated in about two weeks. Some things have been alright and some have not. I just want to talk. I know that at least one person reads this and that's fine by me. Because of only having one reader and actually trusting this person, I've decided that I'm going to begin using names and being completely honest. First of all, my ex-boyfriend, yeah, his name is Scott. It took him a short two weeks to get over me after we dated for over a year. Sucks much? Indeed it does. And it gets worse. He likes a friend of mine. She likes him back. 'Oorah. Her name is Michelle. A girl who I've been told looks a lot like me but whatever, that's not the point. She also dated my best fiend, Austin. Funny thing is, she and Austin were dating when Scott and I got together. She was so afraid that Austin would break up with her for me and Scott was afraid I'd break up with him for Austin. Ironic, am I right? I've been working on getting over the kid for months. Months before I broke up with him. Totally fair, huh? No? Not really. But shit ain't fair sometimes. Gotta deal. I miss him a little. But it's possible that I just miss the relation part too. Or the relationship with him. New subject.
 
  I've gained weight. Whether it's just pms weight or not, I don't like it. It's odd because sometimes I look in the mirror and think "There's no standard for beautiful. I'm fine the way I am." and sometimes I look and think "Skipping lunch and running two miles after school might not be such a bad idea". Now I know the second thought is super unhealthy but I can't really help it. I have hips and thighs and sometimes I just feel ugly. Just like everyone else does occasionally. I think I'll just take the healthy option, exercise more like I used to, eat better, relax, and learn to really love the way I look.  That's it about that.

 Some of the things that have been going really well are: I'm finally getting the hang of using my Nikon D300 [:D] that I got for Chanukah. Taking pretty good pictures with it which is quite exciting. Another thing, my friendship with Austin is shaping up to being like what it used to be, if not better. We're both just so much more relaxed about it now. We're starting to say 'I love you' again which is really nice, because we mean it, y'know?  We don't have crushes on one another, don't worry. It just makes me smile. Although, he's in Colorado right now which kind've sucks, considering I'm used to seeing him daily. AND OH MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT. I found out what m Grandparents are giving me as a Sweet 16 gift! No it's not a car. I'm going to Israel & Greece for almost a month over the summer! I'm so excited you have no idea.
Okay, so I guess that's it for now. I have to wake up early to finish some homework and go to school tomorrow, so I'm going to do a bit of meditation before I go to sleep.
Goodnight!
 JC

Jan. 9th, 2010

Just Some Thoughts.

Just a word to those I care about, those who I want to spend my days with- Here's to all the places we've gone and the things we've done. And here's to all the places we'll go and the things we'll do.
Those who've stuck around and actually seemed to care just mean so much. I've been angry all day for what feels like no reason. But in a way I felt anger just because it felt good to put all these confused emotions into one emotion that I could throw at whomever I wanted to. I could have thrown it on anyone, instead I let it bring me down. But now, I've been sitting here for an hour or so; just thinking, and I see all I have and I realize how lucky I am. For all the shit I have, I also got a lotta good.

Dec. 27th, 2009

I enjoy sleeping in cars during road trips on rainy days

Just because it feels appropriate.

Anywho, I'm leaving for Vermont today. Excited 'bout that, well, I think I am even if I don't really show it. I think I'm slowly becoming numb. Oh yeah, I did breakup with him. Yeah we had dated for over a year. It was about a week ago that this happened. I told him I couldn't handle being in a relationship right now which really is true. Some people think that because I broke up with him I shouldn't feel pain, when in truth, it hurts a whole fucking lot. Pain seems to be the only emotion I can feel at this point in time. Oh. And confusion.  I haven't laughed much in a long while. Even a funny movie couldn't lift my spirits. And it sucks. Y'know, I can't even remember what it's like to have a crush. I wish I could. I just want to have a little crush on someone. To take my mind off of things. Someone who I can think about and when I do, I smile. I miss that feeling. I don't want to be in a relationship. Just someone to make my head spin a bit whenever I hear their name. Bah. Seeya.

Dec. 21st, 2009

day 2

Day 01 → Your favorite song Day 02 → Your favorite movie Day 03 → Your favorite television program Day 04 → Your favorite book Day 05 → Your favorite quote Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad Day 09 → A photo you took Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy Day 13 → A fictional book Day 14 → A non-fictional book Day 15 → A fanfic Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy Day 19 → A talent of yours Day 20 → A hobbie of yours Day 21 → A recipe Day 22 → A website Day 23 → A YouTube video Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy Day 25 → Your day, in great detail Day 26 → Your week, in great detail Day 27 → This month, in great detail Day 28 → This year, in great detail Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy Top 5 Favorite Movies:'    tada

Nov. 3rd, 2009

Writer's Block: Last supper

If you had one night left to live, what would you do? Would you prefer to spend your final night with a loved one or alone? What would you choose for your last meal?

You know, I really don't know. I wouldn't want to cause anyone any pain. Also, it's not like once I die, I wake up the next day somewhere and I can say; "Oh, how I enjoyed last night! ____ and ____ were so funny! And oh man; I could not believe when I tickled _____ that they fell to the ground. We all laughed so much". I feel like I wouldn't tell anyone if I knew that I was going to die, I would just try to be happy so they remembered me as being happy. Bah. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm just bored.

Oct. 29th, 2009

Before I Go To Sleep.

So. That kid. My old best friend. We talked tonight. It was great. My day just turned around for the better. It made me happy. Just sayin'. That's all.
G'night
-JC

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